Sketch 101 at The Pit completed!

Today was our showcase for Sketch 101 at The PIT! And what fun was had! We used my game show sketch titled "Don't Panic! Just Kidding, It's Totally Time To Panic!" The sketch is a Fox News spinoff gameshow and it's funny and I'm proud of it. Here, wanna read it? Go ahead! Click that little "read more" button to the lower right of this post. Just don't steal my ideas. Cause, damn.

"DON'T PANIC! ...JUST KIDDING, IT'S TOTALLY TIME TO PANIC!" The Gameshow! 
by Gretchen Wylder

HOST
Howdy folks and welcome to "DON'T PANIC! ...Just kidding, It's Totally Time to Panic!," the fun and educational game show highlighting the inescapable dangers that threaten the American Public in their every day lives! Let's meet our contestants. Contestant number 1, introduce yourself!

FRED
My name is Fred. I'm a proud member of the PTA, the GOP, and the NRA. I love Bill O'Reilly and the second amendment! God Bless the USA!

HOST
Somebody get that man a Budweiser! Moving on to... Contestant number 2, whom our viewing audience might recognize from another TV show! You had a stint on "Doomsday Preppers," did you not?

PHYLLIS
Hey, name's Phyllis. Call me Phil. And yes, my hubs and I were  on "Dooms Preps."

HOST
Reality TV royalty over here! And wow, you really like to shorten phrases, huh?

PHYLLIS
Ne'er know when you'll need that ex sec o' time 'fore (makes explosion sound and hand movements).

HOST
Allllllrighty! And our final contestant, tell us a bit about yourself.

GEORGE
Um, hi, my name's George. I think I'm on the wrong show? I'm supposed to be on the game show "Don't Panic. period." The liberal show where we discuss and debunk the trash the media feeds us on a daily basis?

HOST
Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh silly George, "Don't Panic" got cancelled due to links with the Communist Party.

The audience oooooohs, disapprovingly.

This is the Fox News spin-off of that one!

Audience cheers.

I'm sure you'll still do fine. Grrrrreat! Now, let's get started. Question number one: Name three symptoms of the most terrifying and prevalent epidemic in modern history... Eeeeeee-bola!

FRED
Ebola is extremely fatal (there's a ding!). Ebola is highly contagious (another ding!). And Ebola was planted here by the terrorists to take away our rights to control firearms. (ding ding ding!)

HOST
Great job, Fred! You got every answer right, which means ten points for you right off the bat!

GEORGE
But, I don't think ...

HOST
Mooooving on! Phyllis, name three other symptoms of (in a spooky voice this time:) Eeeebola!

PHYLLIS
Ebola... Airborne. (ding)   Jello bones. (ding)  Zombies. (ding)

HOST
Yooouuuu got it! Ten points for you too!

GEORGE
But...

HOST
That's right George, it's your turn!

GEORGE
But those answers were either totally false or didn't make any sense.

HOST
Hmm... they're all here on my index card. Your go!

GEORGE
Okay... Ebola is absolutely not airborne and can only be spread through bodily fluids. (buzz) A quarantine is not necessary for everyone crossing the borders back from Africa. (buzz) And all of the documented cases in the US are completely under control. (a loud BUZZZZZZ)

HOST
Wrong, wrong, dead wrong!

GEORGE
But...

HOST
No one likes a sore loser, George. Especially if he starts bleeding out of his eye sockets! Eek! Alright, question number two! Isis is going to destroy America as we know it and kill us all.

GEORGE
That isn't a question.

HOST
Picky, picky. Fine, I'll rephrase it. HOW is Isis going to destroy America as we know it and kill us all? Fred?

FRED
God damn terrorists. We need to blow up those bastards and give them a taste of their turban-wearin', bomb-slingin', freedom-killin' medicine and take all the oil that they're sittin' on while we're at it! Flibbery gibbin' Obama lovin' bobble headed Neanderthals! (Ding!)

HOST
Well, that was a dooooozy! Double points for Fred!

GEORGE
He didn't even answer the question! He just spouted a bunch of right wing gibberish!

HOST
You'll get your turn! Now, Phyllis, same question! How is Isis going to destroy America as we know it and kill us all?

PHYLLIS
What Fred said. But more bombs. (ding)

HOST
Wow, I sure do appreciate your brevity! Ten points! (George looks shocked) Alrighty, your turn George. How is Isis going to destroy America as we know it and kill us all?

GEORGE
Isis is not going to destroy America as we know it. (buzz) The fact is, we all have a better chance of getting eaten by a shark than ever coming in contact with these extremists.(buzz) Plus, the leader, Al-Baghdadi, was nearly caught and killed last month. (buzzzzz) God damn it! What was wrong with my answer?!

HOST
Albubackbackbackbat-what-ey? Sorry, wrong answer! To get it right, my index card here says your answer must contain one of the following words: Bombs, oil, or Kim Kardashian's butt.

Suddenly, a red strobe light starts flashing and a horrible beeping sound comes on. A neon sign that says PANIC is flashing on and off.

HOST
Uh oh! You know what that means, folks! Off to our super speedy Panic Round! We'll go down the line of contestants and quickly as you can, name one thing all of America should be in an utter panic about! GO!

FRED
Losing our gun rights! (ding)

PHYLLIS
Pro-Choice movement (ding)

GEORGE
National Debt (BUZZ)

FRED
Higher Taxes (ding)

PHYLLIS
Obamacare (ding)

GEORGE
Corporate money in politics (buzz)

FRED
War on terror (ding)

PHYLLIS
War on Christmas (ding)

GEORGE
War on women (buzz)

FRED
Blacks! (ding)

PHYLLIS
Black teens! (ding)

GEORGE
Racism (buzz)

FRED
Hilary Clinton (ding)

PHYLLIS
Gay marriage (ding)

Throughout this next section, buzzing happens after each one of George's answers. The faster he says answers, the more incessant the buzzing becomes. Maybe a random buzz between words but in the same thought. Fred and Phyllis are befuddled and staring at George as he rapid-fire begins to lose it...

GEORGE
Fracking! School shootings! Stagnant minimum wage! Outsourcing! Unemployment rate! Homelessness! FDA regulations! Keystone XL Pipeline! Rising personal debt! Corporate tax write offs! Income inequality! Childhood obesity! Insider trading! TEA Party! GMOs! Prison system! Police brutality! Eric Garner! Michael Brown! The Koch Brothers! Irreversible climate change! The polar bears! The mother fucking polar bears! OH MY GOD, EVERYTHING! WE SHOULD ABSOLUTELY BE IN A COMPLETE AND TOTAL PANIC!

George is now sobbing into his hands, overwhelmed.

HOST
Well George... everything you said was dead wrong... except that last answer!!! We all should be in a panic! Just not about all of that phony extremist propaganda you were babbling on about. Well, looks like we have a winner! George, although you didn't get a single answer right, it looks like you panicked the most. So, congratulations! Bob, tell him what he's won!

VOICE-OVER
You've won a brand new bomb shelter, fully stocked with everything you'll need for the end of the world including three dozen guns, hazmat suits and a King James bible!

FRED and PHYLLIS
Damn, I need that.

HOST
Thanks for playing folks. And for those of you watching, remember that even though the world is ending...

HOST, FRED, and PHYLLIS
"DON'T PANIC! ...Just Kidding, It's Totally Time to Panic!"

GEORGE
(crying)   I want my mommy.

Lights go out as George is crying in the fetal position on the ground. Blackout.